We don't know each other.
We may have engaged online. Perhaps you liked one of my Facebook
updates once. Or favorited a tweet. Maybe we've had no contact whatsoever. But
if we ever have occasion to meet in real life, in the human world, there are
three things about your appearance that I will notice immediately.
• The
whiteness of your teeth
• The
flatness of your ears in proximity to your skull (size is not an issue;
prominence is)
• And
- men only - whether or not you have the beginnings of male pattern baldness
Yup, I'm pretty shallow. However... In my defense... I won't
actually judge you on these things.
They won't cause me not to like or befriend you. They don't really matter,
in any real way.
But I will notice them.
See, I don't care about fatness or fashion or frivolity. I've not
even the slightest interest in BMI, designer sneakers or weird-ass hobbies
(except if you're a scrapbooker - those people scare me).
The thing is, I spend shitloads whitening my own teeth. So I
admire gleaming snow-white ones that glow in the dark. I endured an
excruciating operation to flatten my slight bat ears, when I was 25 (20 years
too late for it not to be agonising), so I appreciate flat ones. And I dated a
hair transplant surgeon for two years, so I'm a lay preacher/fetishist on the
topic of androgenetic alopecia.
Look it up. It’s a real thing. Swear.
There they are. Three of my foibles.
Another foible is that I like round, even numbers. No odd numbers
allowed. When I set the volume on the TV, the temp on the air con or the alarm
on my phone, it has to be 18 or 22 or 6:00.
So, to round the aforesaid foibles off to a nice, neat 6, less
the above bonus one, here are 3 more.
• I
really enjoy gospel music. Which is weird for a Jewish girl. Who thinks Jesus
was just a guy.
• When
I lived alone, I existed on a diet of small, self-contained, round-ish foods I
could eat with one hand. Peas. Popcorn. Chuckles. Cherry tomatoes. My husband
says I have culinary autism.
• If
the loo roll is put onto a horizontal toilet paper holder with the flap at the
back instead of WHERE IT SHOULD BE - at the front - I will not be able to enjoy
my ablution until I remedy it.
There you go. I feel closer to you already. Just open your mouth
a bit more, so I can see your teeth.
No comments:
Post a Comment