01 July 2014

Dear Stranger, I'm strange. [#writersbootcampza 1]

White teeth
We don't know each other.

We may have engaged online. Perhaps you liked one of my Facebook updates once. Or favorited a tweet. Maybe we've had no contact whatsoever. But if we ever have occasion to meet in real life, in the human world, there are three things about your appearance that I will notice immediately.

   The whiteness of your teeth
   The flatness of your ears in proximity to your skull (size is not an issue; prominence is)
   And - men only - whether or not you have the beginnings of male pattern baldness

Yup, I'm pretty shallow. However... In my defense... I won't actually judge you on these things. They won't cause me not to like or befriend you. They don't really matter, in any real way.

But I will notice them.

See, I don't care about fatness or fashion or frivolity. I've not even the slightest interest in BMI, designer sneakers or weird-ass hobbies (except if you're a scrapbooker - those people scare me).

The thing is, I spend shitloads whitening my own teeth. So I admire gleaming snow-white ones that glow in the dark. I endured an excruciating operation to flatten my slight bat ears, when I was 25 (20 years too late for it not to be agonising), so I appreciate flat ones. And I dated a hair transplant surgeon for two years, so I'm a lay preacher/fetishist on the topic of androgenetic alopecia.

Look it up. Its a real thing. Swear.

There they are. Three of my foibles.

Another foible is that I like round, even numbers. No odd numbers allowed. When I set the volume on the TV, the temp on the air con or the alarm on my phone, it has to be 18 or 22 or 6:00.

So, to round the aforesaid foibles off to a nice, neat 6, less the above bonus one, here are 3 more.

   I really enjoy gospel music. Which is weird for a Jewish girl. Who thinks Jesus was just a guy.
   When I lived alone, I existed on a diet of small, self-contained, round-ish foods I could eat with one hand. Peas. Popcorn. Chuckles. Cherry tomatoes. My husband says I have culinary autism.
   If the loo roll is put onto a horizontal toilet paper holder with the flap at the back instead of WHERE IT SHOULD BE - at the front - I will not be able to enjoy my ablution until I remedy it.

There you go. I feel closer to you already. Just open your mouth a bit more, so I can see your teeth.

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